i'm back!

ok, so it's been forever since i've blogged anything...to be honest, i just don't know how i'mportant it is. i mean, i'd love to write more and keep people updated, but...i seem to do all that on FB so i don't find myself wanting to really sit down and write everything out again and again.

we are 11 weeks out from jay coming home:):) ok, it's still a long time away but the "smiley" faces are for me to try to stay positive! lol...its funny how all the little things that would usually annoy me about my husband...such as, how he never put his shoes away, or how he doesn't rinse the sink out after he brushes his teethe, how he is always late for EVERYTHING, oh! and also how it would take me longer to wake him up after a "nap" with the kids than waking the kids up themselves!! all of these things have frustrated me w/my husband for the past 5 years, but now...i'd give anything to have his shoes out on the floor, or to have clean the sink 2 times in one day.....funny how when we don't have that one person in our lives for awhile, everything kind of falls into perspective. hmm...just some things i've been thinking about lately. trying to be thankful for even the small things seems to come easier now than ever before. i'm letting things roll off my shoulders more with the kids than i did before jay left....while realizing that sometimes i really should just choose my battles and what i have to do to make it through the day might not be the "ideal" way other families go about it, but it's what i have to do for me and my kids.

I'm the type of person who would rather not think about jason being gone, or how much time we have till he comes back...if i don't think about it, then i can deal with it. i think my kids are the same way...each and everyone of them! well, cambree is sailing on through because she has no clue as to who her dad even is! so she doesn't know any better; however, noah doesn't want to talk about daddy. he doesn't even like to look at pictures of him. he'll occasionally ask me when daddy's coming home, but that's very rare. Isaac will look at the pictures with me (sometimes), and ask very few questions, but at least he'll look at them. he likes the fact that his daddy is a "soldier". i do know that for a fact because i hear he and noah playing "army" all the time now! (very endearing!) but even isaac doesn't talk about daddy...i think they are like me...that's how i deal with difficult situations...albeit, it might not be the healthiest way to go through life, but it's the only way i know how to be. i guess, i don't even talk about jason that much, myself. i mean, when people come up and ask me how he's doing i'll answer, but...that's about the extent of it. it seems to just be harder when i have to count the days and wait for his letters and write my own letters to him. i do write him; every monday and friday. i also send pictures once a week. i guess all military families are different and unique in the way they deal with their loved one being gone for an extended amount of time.

sometimes i do daydream about december being here...and how it will be to FINALLY see jason after almost 6 months! wow...1/2 a year without my husband...my best friend. i miss him. when i allow myself to sit down and think about him....it hurts. it's bittersweet. it's lonely. it's sad.

i know this was the best decision for us. the positives have already outweighed the bad, so for those reasons, i can press on. this isn't forever (as everyone and their mother keep telling me!)...and God bless you all, of course. but it is my reality now...at this moment...everyday. so yeah, it's easy to tell someone "it's not forever"....but that doesn't get me through my "now, at this moment". i know i will make it through because it's not forever, but i don't deal with "everyday life" because it won't be forever. this is 6 months of our lives that we will never get back. 6 months of memories that we had without him. 6 months of my kids life not understanding why daddy left.

God knew that we'd be here one day. He orchestrated all of this...i can see His hand now as i look back on the past year and a half of our lives. so, He won't leave us now. of this i am certain. This has been the toughest week by far. 8 or so weeks into his leaving, i finally broke down. (i made it farther than i thought i would!) but all of us are picking ourselves back up one day at a time! He'll be home soon:) and if he has to leave again, then we'll survive that as well. God is good...all the time. and one day, we'll look back on this time and "smile" :):)