When will i STOP learning?

i awoke with a "scare" this morning! have you ever slept through your alarm and all of a sudden, you awake and jump out of bed frantically searching for something (of course, you don't know what because your mind is still sleepily jumbled in a hundred directions); and then just as suddenly, you sit down; take a breath and finally compose yourself? WELCOME to my morning!!:) however, i didn't get to the "sitting down and composing yourself" part, because at the moment i finally realized i was waking up, my sneaky little "lions" came in and yelled "raooar" at me!! and of course, being the ALWAYS loving and tender mom i am (sarcastic!), i quickly silenced them with a "SSHHH" instead of playing along with them and welcoming them with an ever so needed hug! WOW! what can i say? i'm human? i literally was still "sleeping"? i was confused? i mean, is there ANY excuse for my reaction? now, in this day and age, most people would say, "oh monica! you had just woken up! you didn't know they were there! don't be so hard on yourself!" hmm...good point! if i didn't yearn to be the BEST mom ever, then i'm sure i could accept that excuse and move on! however, like i stated in my last post, i feel things to the very darkest and most recess corners of my soul; so please, understand the conflict i find inside myself! most people would dismiss the incident; i most certainly cannot!

ok, enough beating around the bush! let me just be unashamedly honest! after i did "come to my senses" i realized that i was going to snap at them for being out of bed! (i didn't snap at them because i caught myself) again, if you know me, sleep is VERY important in our family! i believe that kids should take naps and have a decent bed time every evening! (obviously there are exceptions to every rule depending on family activities for the day/night) Jay and i have also taught our kids not to get out of bed until mommy or daddy come get them! this morning was a perfect example of WHY we don't want them wandering around the house when everyone else is sleeping! Lord only knows what they could get into!

anyways, back to my point! when will i EVER learn to err on the side of love and compassion instead of "going back to the rule book!" my goodness! i've NEVER been one to follow the rule book! ahh...yet another facet of my personality change since becoming a mom! hmm...personality change?? i have always liked my personality, for the most part! i'm pretty easy going...definitey the definition of "fun" whenever we're hanging out with friends...i'm also very thoughtful and kind. i don't want a personality change! maybe i wouldn't mind so much if i thought the changes were all positive; however, 1 HUGE flaw in my personality that has been THROWN in my face during this whole "motherhood" thing, is how selfish i am in my heart. it never came out very often before kids; now afterwards, when from sun up to sun down my whole world is but not limited to: apple juice, diapers, sippy cups, plastic silverware and spiderman underwear, oh! can't forget Playhouse Disney!! (my favorite show is most definitely handy manny! Mr. Lopart is ridiculous!) i certaintly believe that every kid needs rules, i believe the parents should both be in agreement with and enforce each rule. But, Christ didn't live by a bunch of rules. as a follower of Christ, i should live by the Holy Spirit's guidance. so, i could practically say that, "if i would 'be still and know' more about Christ, I would be more lead by the Holy Spirit to be less selfish when the kids get up 30 minutes early cause the sun comes up early now!" I would be more lead by the Spirit to err on the side of love and compassion, correct??

this whole event probably was 5 seconds from start to finish! and my boys and i have had a GREAT day! ( cambree as well! lol...) We have been on nature hikes today and read a few books as well! we ate Lightning McQueen chicken noodle soup with Ritz crackers for lunch and now they are napping! They probably didn't think anything about my "SHH" this morning! I wonder if my kids will ever know how much time i actually spend loving them in my heart, thinking about them when they sleep, watching them when they play, praying that each of them will accept Christ at a young age, and also, racking my brain and my emotions with how much my attitude and actions will shape and mold their little lives!!! will they EVER fully be able to comprehend this? or is it something in life that everyone has to experience to fully be aware of the endless task and labor of love parenting really is! i know we are all "out of wack" as they used to say. We are living with my parents at this present moment due to the economy and lack of job opportunity. So, yes, as i go about my day, i do try to let grace flow freely off my words and attitude and actions. My kids are just as confused to what God is allowing in our family right now as Jason and i are! I can't expect them to just adapt over night, can i?

so, the title of this post is "when will i STOP learning?". My answer to that is, "i hope i never have to stop learning". the moment i STOP learning is the moment i lose my family.